Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
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Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.