One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
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cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
This is amazing.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.