all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
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Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
peeping toms
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK