Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
You Might Also Like
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.