peeping toms
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Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
lmfao
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.