Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
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Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
not for long
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born