If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
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My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.