Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
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It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
I WON A HAM TODAY
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it