Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
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No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead