It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
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not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing