If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
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If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
the world’s most popular steaming services
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous