We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
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God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.