Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
You Might Also Like
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
okay run it by me one more time
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude