Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
You Might Also Like
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth