When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
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I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.