Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
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Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
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me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
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movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.