Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
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Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
But I really needed water water water
the noise i just made
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.