I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
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wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
this is uni
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
absolutely not
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.