Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
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A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist