i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
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Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
bout dat hot dog summer
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed