Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
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If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
we all know this pain all too well
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one