“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
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My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Why am I like this?
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.