Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
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My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Whisper out to librarians!
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions