CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
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Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.