I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
You Might Also Like
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
What about a To-Don’t List?
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
A game married people play.