Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
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What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom