If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
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my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…