Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
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“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.