@daemonic3

[at TED talk]

OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?

*entire crowd stands*

No a MEDICAL doctor

*entire crowd sits*

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@Breadery

Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.

@QwertyJones3

PSYCHIC: I can see your future

ME: Are you really a medium?

PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*

ME: Medium. Son of a gun…

@ojedge

Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”

Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”

M: “This. This is why.”

@TheCatWhisprer

[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa

@chadchaines

[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]

Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.

[quietly dies a little inside]

@pdxjohnny99

The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.

@UnFitz

A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.

@AbbyHasIssues

I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.