@Breadery Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
@daemonic3 [at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
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@Breadery 
@rebrafsim adam and eve had first world problems
@QwertyJones3 PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
@ojedge Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
@TheCatWhisprer [fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
@chadchaines [phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
@pdxjohnny99 The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
@UnFitz A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
@AbbyHasIssues I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
@charbroil_chew me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*