I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
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8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Raisins are grape jerky.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way