I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
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BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
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Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
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[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.