Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
You Might Also Like
wow he looks just like him
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
#catsoftwitter
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Incredible customer service.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here