@schumoo

*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking

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@julezmac

Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.

@XGibbons

Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers

@ColoradoUgly

What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?

@YoungNobler

Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate

@BlairLoudly

A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.

@bridger_w

When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”

@david8hughes

[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears

@henriabuya

How to find out if you old.

(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.