@schumoo
@dadmann_walking Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
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@dadmann_walking 
@julezmac Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
@Erik_Allen “Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
@XGibbons Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
@ColoradoUgly What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
@YoungNobler Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
@BlairLoudly A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
@bridger_w When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
@david8hughes [sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
@henriabuya How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.