*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking

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Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.


Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
2: He ate 3 campers


What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?


Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate


A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.


When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”


[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears


How to find out if you old.

(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.