*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
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*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
me doing my best
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.