ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
You Might Also Like
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.