Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
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Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.