My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
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Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
I didn’t come here to be called names
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom