Not helping
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[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth