Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
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[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant