thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
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Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
i baked you a cake
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
concern
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter