*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
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Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.