I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
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I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
They’re on their honeymoon
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.