They’re on their honeymoon
You Might Also Like
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Go hard or stay average
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*