They’re on their honeymoon
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Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
That lamp looks PISSED.
mariah carrie
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me: