The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
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A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.