Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
You Might Also Like
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
🙋♀️
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
And they lived apathetically ever after.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.