[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
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2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Mood.. 😂
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.