My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
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When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
#Caturday
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong