When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
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Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
bury ourselves
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.