I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
You Might Also Like
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Grandmother clock.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective