I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
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Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.
What?
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“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
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[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.