@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
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11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do