The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
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Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy