me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
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I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Investing in beetcoin
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.